rosemead, california

isabella loved henri very, very much.

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they played

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and played.

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but when the weekend ended and we had to leave, i told izzy to say goodbye to henri,
and she screamed, “no!”

and cried

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and cried.

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-

i once read an article somewhere on jane march
and how she got her start in modeling.

some boy had broken her heart and she vowed to be on every magazine cover
“so that he’ll never forget my face” or something to that extent.

it’s kinda sad that a lot of the things i do
are driven by the fact that i want to make every boy who’s broken my heart
feel like they missed out on something special.

you suck, facebook.

was waiting for video to render,
decided to log into facebook.
in the news feed,
i found this:

(graveley) Tagged in:
“Jeffrey’s Bday and Nat’s Engagement

wow. i thought i’d been over him for years now,
but my heart just broke a little.

all the djs do it, all the djs use it.

back in mid-september,
i spent a few days at my cousin’s house in san francisco
where i arrived crying, heartbroken,
where her husband baked me cookies,
where i pulled out her old disney piano book and spent all evening on her baby grand,
where they auspiciously convinced me that i would be okay.

i told suzanne i would miss her terribly and
she came up with this wonderful idea for how we could stay in touch.

each day, every other day,
we’d post a photo from our lives.

like when the sandwich maker at the deli drew a heart on my container box with a sharpie,
like at the l.e.s. french restaurant where i suddenly had a good day when the waiter called me “love”
as in “yes love, what can i get you love?”
and like when i got really sad because i was really hungry,
but then i dropped the noodles on frankie’s kitchen floor.

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suzanne is on the left, i’m on the right.
http://mylai.com/itoko/

 
currently listening to:
when i first got my license,
heather and i used to mob around san jose blasting this song

sublime

this was before i knew what falling felt like and before i became such an asshole.

this sucks.

vincent and i have been pretty much inseparable for the past three months.
then his ex-girlfriend decided she wanted to be back in his life.

he ultimately chose her.

rather than fighting it
(i can’t compete with a girl who has had his heart for five years),
i’ve admitted defeat and bowed out gracefully.

still, it kinda hurts.

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our last collaboration: a day trip through middle california
some photographs off my slr.

ugh, nevermind. i don’t feel like posting pictures right now.

"you only won

because the pool table is crooked and you’re cock-eyed”

it is normal to cry and sing along to tina turner when you get your heart broken.
it is not normal, however, to consume three pounds of mini corn dogs within a period of one week.

vi was concerned about my mental health so
she kidnapped me for a weekend of adventures in bad karaoke,
british cover bands and booty shakin’ old school hiphop
to remind me

1. music was my first love
and
2. “who gives a crap about how talented you are when your personality sucks ass.”

thanks babe. i really needed that. here, i made you art.

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currently listening to:
*shakes teh booty*

push it

nine months later

the gist:
“change of plans. i’m going to amsterdam after i graduate.”
“for how long?”
“for a year.”
“wait, what about..”
“i think we should take a break from each other.”
“you’re breaking up with me?”
“no, i don’t want to lose our friendship,
but i think we should put our relationship on hold until i get back.”
“will we be seeing other people?”
“if it happens, it happens.”
“so you’re breaking up with me.”

it’s like..
they think they’ve met the raddest girl
so they promise you this and that
and then they realize that you’ve become an inconvenience to their plans
and then you become disposable.

i spent all day today managing how i felt through photoshop files.

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[nauseous and dumb, among other things]

dirty mirrors

remember that one time when i asked you why you loved me?
you replied,
“because i know you’re destined to do extraordinary things
and i want to be there when you do it.”

well i’m going to do extraordinary things,
but you won’t be there
because during my bleakest moment,
you abandoned me.

jump in the line, rock your body.

last night,
joey’s birthday with twenty-five good friends at club 6,
i was back to an old destructive habit
that started last weekend after the bikini (turned naked) mud wrestling match.

i promise i will stop.

i woke up this afternoon wailing crying
so hard that my nose bled.
i dreamt we were holding hands and laughing again.
fuck you brain for playing tricks on me.

i promise i will stop.

because friday night,
jeremy and friends and i played scrabble
and i kicked their asses.
i don’t need to be hardcore.

i just have to keep reminding myself that even without him,
i am still scrabble master.

currently listening to:

ben kept playing this in the car to cheer me up
.

heartbreak

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breathe veanne, breathe.

tonight, he broke up with me.
i can’t stop crying and
i don’t understand.