me and this bottle

myspace tells me justin is married.
justin was my first boyfriend, high school sweetheart,
first love, first heartbreak.

it’s not that i should care,
but it’s weird to know that someone i used to think i was going to marry
has married someone else.
know what i mean?

and also, i’ve been drinking and it’s 3am so i’m all mooshy and shit.
and i’ve been thinking about how relationships weren’t always bad,
that maybe i should stop harboring all the bad memories and think about the good stuff.
at least that’s what this bottle of pisco is telling me.

so yeah, some of the good times:

• whenever i was mad at j., he’d do the craziest, retarded telly (from larry clark’s kids) impression.
and i’d laugh and not be mad anymore.

• on our first date, t. and i sat parked in my little miata until 4am, talking about music.

• c. was like, “i’m not gay, but if i could fuck a voice, it’d be bradley nowell’s.”
and i was like, “whoah. me too.”

• n. and i were drunk in the taxi coming back from charlie’s this one time
and he tells me he wants to marry me and i’m like, “for real?” and he goes, “yeah”
and then he ties a tiny piece of string to my finger.

• s. made my world spin whenever he kissed me.

• a. sadly, i cannot remember much about him except that this one time,
he hacked my calculator so i could ace my stats exam.

• v. surprised me by driving over late one evening and gave me the longest hug goodnight
because i had texted him, “i really miss you.”

• the first time he came to visit, b. brought cookies for my dad and lychees for my mom.
the cookies were soft because my dad has sensitive teeth. and my mom loves lychees.

• • • • •

sometimes, i unintentionally make things that reveal how i feel at that moment.
and i guess this is what loneliness looks like.


currently listening to:
monte reminded me of how wonderful this girl is.
as cheeky as she gets sometimes, the lyrics in this one track kill me.

littlest things

don't stop.

my nickname beaner came from jeremy.
i, in turn, refer to him as mangohead.

» »»

jeremy shows me how to “take it all in.”
[notice his mango shaped head?]


up in the hills. some horrible photos.


» »»

sometime this past weekend,
i was singing along to andreas playing “gus the theatre cat” on his piano
and i forgot the second verse so i started to improvise.
anyway, he finally caught on and said something like,
“wait a minute. you’re making up lyrics!”
and then gave me the most adorable smile..
there was something really sweet about the whole singing and playing piano moment
and i don’t know.. i totally have a crush on him now.

makes me want to beat my wife

“are you a hacker?”
“then why are you here?”
“the free booze.”

corey messaged me last tuesday
saying he had a room at the monte carlo in vegas for a week
and said i should hitch a ride with montell the next morning to come hang out.

i’m definitely not a groupie but after defcon,
i have to admire hackers for their curious nature.

we drove through the mojave desert in 110 degrees weather with no air-conditioning.



only to be blinded by flickering lights and buttcrack.


three photos for monte’s defcon metaphor..
“it’s like a week-long marathon!”




nothing like raunchy fun, a broken bathroom sink
and stumbling through the casino back to your own hotel room at 7am drenched in water
to remind you of how great it is sometimes to not care.

oh, and i was not a poopypants at defcon.
i was a good sport.

i let geeks stick stickers on my belly.


currently listening to:

this song
is the most appropriate.