me and this bottle

myspace tells me justin is married.
justin was my first boyfriend, high school sweetheart,
first love, first heartbreak.

it’s not that i should care,
but it’s weird to know that someone i used to think i was going to marry
has married someone else.
know what i mean?

and also, i’ve been drinking and it’s 3am so i’m all mooshy and shit.
and i’ve been thinking about how relationships weren’t always bad,
that maybe i should stop harboring all the bad memories and think about the good stuff.
at least that’s what this bottle of pisco is telling me.

so yeah, some of the good times:

• whenever i was mad at j., he’d do the craziest, retarded telly (from larry clark’s kids) impression.
and i’d laugh and not be mad anymore.

• on our first date, t. and i sat parked in my little miata until 4am, talking about music.

• c. was like, “i’m not gay, but if i could fuck a voice, it’d be bradley nowell’s.”
and i was like, “whoah. me too.”

• n. and i were drunk in the taxi coming back from charlie’s this one time
and he tells me he wants to marry me and i’m like, “for real?” and he goes, “yeah”
and then he ties a tiny piece of string to my finger.

• s. made my world spin whenever he kissed me.

• a. sadly, i cannot remember much about him except that this one time,
he hacked my calculator so i could ace my stats exam.

• v. surprised me by driving over late one evening and gave me the longest hug goodnight
because i had texted him, “i really miss you.”

• the first time he came to visit, b. brought cookies for my dad and lychees for my mom.
the cookies were soft because my dad has sensitive teeth. and my mom loves lychees.

• • • • •

sometimes, i unintentionally make things that reveal how i feel at that moment.
and i guess this is what loneliness looks like.


currently listening to:
monte reminded me of how wonderful this girl is.
as cheeky as she gets sometimes, the lyrics in this one track kill me.

littlest things

i was a sucker.

i spent last week in arizona with my ex-boyfriend.
i don’t know what to say anymore except that i loved him,
but his cruelty is enough for me to forget him.

how yesterday felt.


squirrels at the grand canyon are friendly.
i set up my camera to take a picture of this little fellow from six feet away.
he caught me off guard by running up to me just as i was about to *click*


my dirty feet and the grand canyon.


currently listening to:
sebby dedicated this song to me.

when he starts to lie, when he makes you cry

nine months later

the gist:
“change of plans. i’m going to amsterdam after i graduate.”
“for how long?”
“for a year.”
“wait, what about..”
“i think we should take a break from each other.”
“you’re breaking up with me?”
“no, i don’t want to lose our friendship,
but i think we should put our relationship on hold until i get back.”
“will we be seeing other people?”
“if it happens, it happens.”
“so you’re breaking up with me.”

it’s like..
they think they’ve met the raddest girl
so they promise you this and that
and then they realize that you’ve become an inconvenience to their plans
and then you become disposable.

i spent all day today managing how i felt through photoshop files.


[nauseous and dumb, among other things]

sebby has poo-colored speckles in his eyes

sebastian said he couldn’t wait to marry me so he could inherit my record collection,
but then after digging through them,
he said, “do you know that we are the same person?”
i asked (while brushing my teeth),
“why’s that? because you choke on your toothpaste and make vomiting noises too?”
he replied, “that too, but we have all the same fucking records.”

a rather foul reflection of me in his eyeball.


currently listening to:
i can’t believe they took bocelli’s con te partiro

flipped it into a trance track.

too much crap to deal with

and no time to write
so here are some photos from the other night at club clandestine.





currently listening to:

snagged from alex’s filthy needle breaks.
love it.


one of the actresses.


three things (you might want to read if you’re aspiring to be an actor):
1. despite my thursday-morning-courtesy-reminder email,
about half the actors scheduled didn’t bother to show up this weekend.
half of that half left me voicemails like this:
“oh i’m sorry. i was shooting another film today and
totally forgot about your audition until now.
can we reschedule for monday night?
i’m free at 5pm.”

saying such things makes you look more pretentious than superstar
and no one likes a flake.

2. certain actors who’ve been trained in
too many methods;
they’ve memorized and recited too many lines,
too many ways to execute one emotion..
i’m not sure where i’m going with this,
but there’s a staleness about them.

3. then there’s alex, actors like alex
who understand the craft, aren’t handicapped by methods.
i threw the first scene at him
and he threw back an improvised version.
it was so fucking honest
and he’s never studied method acting.

anyway, auditions are over
and i’ve learned quite a bit. :)

i needed to get away from the city noise
so we visited my parents at their new house in elk grove for a few days.

the neighboring houses are still being built.


sebby and rick are tagteaming tonight (wednesday) at clandestine in downtown san jose.
so yeah, holla if you wanna come kick it.

currently listening to:

yo, phife, you remember that routine, that we used to make spiffy like mister clean?


sebby and i clowning around.



currently listening to:
hey girl whatcha doin’ down there!

knock three times


sebastian’s mom told me that her heart melts
whenever she hears him speak romanian.

we have something in common. :)

"you better watch who you're calling a child, lois

because if i’m a child, do you know what that makes you?
a pedophile.
and i’ll be damned if i’m gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.”

the family guy = hilariously brilliant

» »»

last week, forty people sardined our flat for the 7 4 1 party. good times..
(tina’s bedroom from my bedroom)


two weeks ago, the view from cat’s cabin.


sebby took me to see city of god last week.
by far, the best movie i’ve seen this year.

currently listening to:

shimmy shimmy coco pop

haha butterball

“wow, your girlfriend is really pretty.”
“nah, she’s just really good at photoshop.”

"Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a Eugoogely is"

friday night, chris and i got lost.



sebastian has me listening to
to better understand romanian phonetics (yes, i’m learning how to speak).
their music selection is mostly mainstream dance nostalgia,
however, while i was geeking out saturday,
they played a song i have not heard for over a decade!
i didn’t even know i was old enough to appreciate this sort of feeling..
you know, it’s like, running into an old friend from elementary school.

currently listening to:

deutsch new wave

"feels like i'm wearing nothing at all.. nothing at all.."

two weeks flash by
and he’s already off to the airport.

i miss cooking,
playing records,
eskimo kissing,



and waking up
with him.

this morning’s coffee and ciggies on the backyard stairs felt empty.

» »»

snowboarding in tahoe every chance i’ve had
for the past month.




» »»


walked to the car
nico gets out of the front seat
and pulls it up for sebby to get in the back
“nico, it’s a four door sedan.”

nico’s so cute when he’s drunk.

» »»

we went to see big fish and walked around downtown.


tina took this picture of us.

currently listening to:

how can you not love bjork?

screw sponge bob. i want a sponge job.

2003 was suppose to be the year of projects
but i think most of it was spent flying.


the past two weeks:
i wanted to forget it was christmas..
spend it alone
frollicking around the flat in my undies.

but sebastian wouldn’t have it and flew me out to arizona
to spend christmas with his family.
i was charmed by his mother,
who dances along to
and his father,
who we caught daydreaming during jeunet’s amelie.

sebby got me a vintage 8mm movie camera.


i made a brief appearance at the dna lounge.


went snowboarding with zachary on 2.5 hours of sleep.


nye with 25 friends nibbling on tapas at andalu.
i haven’t seen the south bay kids since august.
i swear, you will never find another group of people with
such distinct personalities, strong opinions
and omg.. the funniest dialogues.

li is one of my favorites.


the entrance to a clandestine warehouse party we stopped by.


my new year’s kiss:
the cutest boy in the world called me seconds to midnight from las vegas
and kissed me over my cell phone. :)

currently listening to:

when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned

"brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!"

“Peter, those are Cheerios.”

can’t fall asleep.
tested out photoshop color filters with david waldorf‘s photographs of me.

poking a donut.


and if photoshop can make you cute,
then it sure as hell can make you ugly.


oh, hrm.

a few weeks ago, while on the ski lift, i asked sebby,
“honey, what would you do if i lost my arms and legs in an accident?”

now, most boyfriends would answer with something thoughtful and *awe* inducing,
like, “oh baby! you know i’d take care of you.”

but no, not mine:
“i’d get to shove my dick in your mouth and you couldn’t do anything about it.”

currently listening to:
from carmen, one of my favorite operas.

you all know this one

hello somber december

we went snowboarding in tahoe for three days.

vi and yun on the lift.


sebastian kicks it before the big drop.


i finally grew some balls on the third day
and made it through the black diamond run
without getting hauled off in a stretcher..
like last year.

the view from our hotel room.


currently listening to:

catchy little track stuck in my head

i wish i could dance like my avatar

twenty-five girls crammed into a living room
for vi’s birthday slumber party.

mary surprised her with a stripper.
the scenario was hilarious.
i laughed so hard,
that was, until he started coming up to the other girls,
jiggling his thang.
i was really scared of being attacked by the orange thong
so i hid in the bathroom and called up sebby.

do you know what you’re looking at? :)


» »»

steadman played a live concert in There,
or rather in the big conference room in our building.

i dig good live bands.


i had the hugest crush on their lead singer, simon..
so i snapped a photograph of him,


had mark print it out,
and he autographed it for me.

i am such a groupie. :)

currently listening to:

bay-bee don’t choo knoe-hoe!

my world spins when he kisses me

i traded therese a six pack of newcastle for bleaching my hair.

for kalli and linh, two former blondes. :)


last night at el rio,
while standing in line for the restroom,
in dim lighting..


and finally,
i keep getting asked,
“so who is this sebastian?”

i can rant continuously about how amazing he is,
but you just have to meet him to know what i’m talking about.

and for once,
all of my friends,
from tina to joey to rick to even vi,
collectively adore him.

[pic taken by my lovely roommate]

ps. we were little bo peep and the sheep
for the dj assault party on halloween.

currently listening to:
driving back from the underground, crossing the bay bridge in the fog,

this song came on

he's gonna drop alien girl..

i totally miss you rick.
so tonight,
a bunch of us are gonna head down south to check out your weekly club night.

yO peeps,
come out and support san jose drum&bass.


headliner has my two favorite guys tagteaming
and two for one sake bombs all night.
how much better can it get? :)

"feel feel feeeeeeeel the heat."

by sunday,
i had worked (and gone to school) twelve consecutive days.
i was ready for a mini vacation.
so i hopped on a plane to arizona.

after sebastian picked me up from the airport,
we had lunch with tina, therese and phil in phoenix.

driving back from sedona.


sebby surprised me with a chax bear
because it reminded him of me.

it’s cute “because you’re adorable”
it’s red “because you’re passionate”
and it has claws “because you’re bad ass.”


so like..
i think i’ll keep you around a little longer
because you can mad kick it with my friends
and because thinking of you makes me smile..

» »»

today i am back in the fog.

the view from tina’s window.
i like how the antennas vaguely look like people.


currently listening to:

sugar how’d you get so fly

quand il me prend dans ses bras

since my sketching proficiency is limited to stick figures,
i decided to kidnap vi for a few hours and photograph my storyboard instead.




» »»

saturday night,
i wanted to curl up on the couch and watch a movie,
but i didn’t want to see it with anyone but sebby.
sebby is in arizona.

so we both went to our local blockbusters,
picked out a movie over the phone and

“on the count of three.. one, two, three” *click play button*

we synchronized our dvd players
so from 739.1 miles apart,
we watched “secretary” together
over the phone.

» »»

moving the rest of my stuff into the san francisco loft on tuesday.

the view from my rooftop.


all skee skee mofoko.. all skee skee gad damn!

half asleep sunday around 7am,
i opened my eyes and briefly thought i saw twinkling fairies.

i reached for my camera and took a photo.


too bad you can’t see *twinkling* in static images. :(

» »»

“i wasn’t kidding about what i said this morning.”
“about what?”
“about how you are going to be my girl one day.”

sebastian, how very arrogant of you,
but you must be doing something right
because i can’t stop thinking about you.

currently listening to:

makes me wanna get rowdy